So You Think Your Life Is Weird?
by whitecrossgirl
Summary: Imogene Jones has always liked weirdness but sometimes even her life was too weird for her. And considering she's an out-of-her-time teenager who works for Torchwood and whose brother-in-law gave birth to her neice and nephew; that's saying something
1. First Words

"They're going to kill you for this."

"Have a sense of humour would you?"

"Hope you've got the funeral. If they don't kill you Tosh definitely will."

Imogene and Owen carried the twins over to Jack and Ianto who were talking to Tosh about something that had come through the rift. Owen was grinning and Imogene looked like she was trying not to laugh but getting ready to hoist al of the blame onto Owen.

"They've just said their first words." Owen informed.

"What?" Ianto asked.

"Bet it was Daddy!" Jack said happily.

"Come on you two. What did I teach you to say?" Owen said to the twins.

Imogene bit back a smile. Owen smirked and got Alex to say the first word and Listelle to say the second.

"Dea," "Boy,"

Jack couldn't help but laugh but later that night when he was lying on the sofa under a blanket Jack came to the conclusion that Owen was not to teach his children anything ever again.


	2. Bedtime Stories

It was fairly late when Jack and Ianto arrived home after a late evening rift spike caused them to have to deal with some polite yet freaky looking aliens. There were no fatalities or needs for ret-con; just some directions on how to get to the Starlight Galaxy. ("Take a left at the end of the Milky Way and go straight on but if you hit the Medusa Cascade you've gone too far.")

The house seemed silent so they assumed Imogene and the twins were in bed but as they went to check on the kids they found the door to their room slightly ajar and Imogene was telling them a bedtime story.

"And so the Faerie prince and his sister managed to free the handsome prince from the evil ogre New-O squalid dungeon. The princes were then married and lived happily ever after."

"Unca Owen said faeries seals child run." Alex murmured his voice heavy with sleep.

"Well Unca Owen is a silly old ogre. Now go to sleep." Imogene said kissing Listelle and Alex's forehead as they drifted off to sleep. Imogene looked at them before speaking softly without turning around to the door.

"If either of you tell the others about this I will personally ensure neither of you have the certain body parts needed for sex ever again."


	3. Mistaken Identity

**AN: I couldn't resist. The idea has been bugging me all day…**

John Barrowman walked across the Plass with his co-star in the middle of an important scene for the new crime drama he was filming in the Welsh capital. The idea of a special type of cops working in Cardiff didn't initially appeal to him but when he heard that Steven Moffat was writing it; it was a whole other story. Nobody could write TV dramas like Steven Moffat.

"DADDY!"

The two small children slammed into John's legs and almost sent him flying. The little dark haired and blue eyed kids were smiling at him. Before he could say or do anything a seventeen year old rushed up to him pulling the kids off him and helping him to his feet.

"I am so sorry about that. That isn't Daddy. Remember he and Taddy are in London on a work thing?" Imogene said to the kids.

"That's all fine and good but you interrupted what was supposed to be an important scene!" the director snapped.

"Hey it's cool," John replied. "What are their names?" he asked Imogene.

"This is Listelle and Alex. My brother Ianto and my brother in law Jack are in London so three guesses whose playing babysitter. Now that I think about it, you're the double of my brother in law Jack." Imogene replied.

"I think I'll take that as a compliment." John grinned. Imogene couldn't stop a blush rising in her cheeks as she led the twins away, apologising again for interrupting filming. John smiled at their retreating backs. The idea of having a same sex couple who had kids in this new show was pretty appealing to him personally. One of the other characters was a Welshman called Ivan. Maybe his character Jamie and Ivan could be together? John pulled out his phone and quickly dialled a number.

"Hey Steven I've got an idea for you…"


	4. Sickness

Imogene walked around the house. It was almost eight in the morning and the only other person awake was Listelle who was watching Teletubbies still in her pink pyjamas. Imogene checked on Alex and found the boy in his bed snuffling. Instinct took over and Imogene pressed her palm to the eighteen month olds forehead. It was really warm and his nose was running. It seemed to be a bout of the cold. Imogene wrapped Alex's blanket around him and went to find the boy's parents. As she opened the bedroom door cautiously to see Ianto and Jack were still yet to get out of bed. Flushed brows, simultaneous groans and sneezed and claims that they were dying of pneumonia confirmed her worst fears.

This was all she needed. Four different coursework assignments for Biology, history, English Literature and ICT had to be handed in today otherwise the teachers would be merciless. Add to that a maths mock exam, a rehearsal for her drama assessment and a Welsh vocabulary test; this was the last thing she needed on her plate.

There was only one thing she really could do.

"Hello Oakwood High School, this is Michelle speaking how can I help you?"

"Imogene won't be in school today, she's ill but it seems to only be a twenty four hour bug."

"That's alright; I'll pass that onto her form teacher. Goodbye."

Imogene hung up and turned to Listelle. "Ok boo, you're going to have to be a big girl and help me while Daddy, Taddy and Alex are sick."

"What's wrong with them?" Listelle asked slowly, ensuring she mastered the correct 'T' sound. Imogene gave an over dramatic sigh and rolled her eyes and hung her head and looked at her niece who giggled at her aunt's antics.

"Man flu princess, man flu."


	5. A Valuable Lesson

Chaos.

If one word could be used to sum up the situation it would be chaos. The room was covered in discarded toys, cushions had been used as bouncy castles on the floor and the walls were covered in pen scribbles. The causes of the chaos were sleeping in a little dog pile on the floor.

So sweet and innocent and adorable on the outside; yet completely evil on the inside.

The two of them looked at the state of the place and gulped as they heard the unmistakable sound of Ianto's car pulling into the driveway. Imogene sighed and looked at Jack.

"I told you giving toddlers coffee was a bad idea!"


	6. Here's Johnny!

**AN: This is for Alice Zark who suggested some Janto goodness and having John come back.**

Jack and Ianto were in the nursery of their home. Imogene was out at a disco with he friends and staying over at Meagan's afterwards. They had bathed and told the twins a story and the fourteen month olds had drifted off to sleep in their shared cot. Jack looped an arm around Ianto and hugged him tight as they watched their sleeping children. Alex looked more like Ianto and Listelle looked like Jack. Jack knew that no matter what he would always be there for Ianto and the kids. Ianto kissed Jack's cheek.

"I still can't believe they're our children." Ianto said.

"Well they are and I still can't believe you're mine. I don't deserve you." Jack replied kissing Ianto's lips.

"Yes you do," Ianto whispered and he deepened the kiss.

Leaving the nursery and heading into the bedroom, they began to remove their shirts and while they kissed the other deeply a loud knocking came from the front door waking up the twins. Jack and Ianto swore under their breaths and got off the bed. Jack went to calm down the crying twins and Ianto went to see who was banging on the door at half eleven at night. Ianto opened the door and swore at who was standing on the step.

"Nice to see you too Eye Candy."


	7. A sight noone wants to see

**AN: This is for Stardiva who in her last review said 'Hey Hart don't you have a poodle to date?' this is for you honey. If any of you have any prompts for me just say in the review.**

The morning after John hart had turned up on the doorstep had been eventful to say the least. He had tried to break down the bathroom door when Ianto was in the shower, was genuinely stunned to see the twins and encouraged Alex and Listelle to fire their Weetabix at the walls. When they eventually got to the hub, John flirted with Mickey and Owen and tried to snog Tosh and Martha and managed to get hit six times. All under thirty seconds too. At around half twelve Ianto got a text from Imogene to say she was heading to the Plass.

Imogene walked onto the Plass and tried not to yawn. It was a brilliant night last night. The night club they were at was one of the most popular ones in the city for people in their late teens. They'd all had a laugh and she and Meagan didn't get back to Meagan's until quarter past two. She had woken with a mild hangover and was fairly tired still.

"Well, well, well if it isn't the Mini Eye Candy."

"John? John Hart?" Imogene asked remembering what had happened the last time she'd met the former Time Agent. That wasn't the most fun night. They had a quick hug and John stalked across the Plass with a funny look in his eye. Imogene went to go inside but as she reached the door she heard a woman give a scream behind her and a tirade of curses coming from John.

"What the hell are you doing you pervert?"

Imogene turned to see John and a poodle in a very comprising position as the poodle's owner beat him with her bag. Imogene rolled her eyes to Heaven. John Hart trying to do it doggy style with a poodle. As if her life couldn't get any weirder…


	8. It was not my fault!

Captain Jack Harkness would like to say that this was not his fault.

Yes he may have suggested Ianto take time off to be with their twins, but what had happened wasn't his fault.

Repeat the following:

_It was not his fault_ that the hub got trashed by a huge food fight between the five of them.

_It was not his fault_ that the local police force gave them hell over his reckless driving coupled with his 'I'm the leader of Torchwood so up yours!' behaviour.

_It was not his fault_ that the weevils reacted to his curiosity over whether they preferred rock music to some crap being spawned by some cheesy clichéd American show set in a high school called Geek or something and blasted music into the cells.

(For the record the Weevils preferred all the original versions of every song placed from Don't Stop Believing to Living on a Prayer)

When Jack got home he tried to plead his innocence until he saw what Ianto had done while he was home with the kids. Jack would have wished he had taught the kids anything else. Anything but… that. It was an act that was sly, cruel and underhanded. Ergo it was Ianto Jones all over. If having a set of twins in the Terrible Twos wasn't bad enough…

Ianto had taught Alex and Listelle how to do _**the**_ eyebrow arch.


	9. How to make Jack faint

The team were wondering about Jack. After everything Jack had seen in his long life, would there still be something that could make him faint with pure shock? Owen had tried and failed. Tosh had tried and failed. Martha had tried and failed. Mickey had tried and failed. Imogene had tried and failed. It was now Ianto's turn.

Jack was smirking to himself in his office as he spoke to UNIT about some random rubbish or another. UNIT were so jealous of Torchwood. UNIT had bases worldwide and even one on the moon, yet the jewel they longed to have in their crown was in the hands of Torchwood: the rift. Jack was pulling a face and doing a goldfish impression as the General ranted when Ianto came into his office. Jack immediately stopped clowning around when he seen his husband's face. Ianto looked paler than usual and was chewing his lip nervously.

"Jack, can I talk to you?" Ianto asked.

Grateful for the excuse Jack turned his attention to the phone; "That sounds interesting really it does but you'll have to excuse me because something's come up." Without giving the General a chance to reply, Jack hung up and turned to Ianto.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked reaching out for Ianto's hand.

"You're pregnant again Jack. Owen and Martha confirmed it." Ianto admitted looking Jack in the eyes and putting his hand to Jack's abdomen.

Jack felt the floor sway beneath him and he hyperventilated before falling to the floor in a dead faint. Stepping away from Jack's unconscious form, Ianto grinned and walked back to the others and held out his palm.

"Pay up!"


End file.
